Saturday, January 16, 2010

Nude as the News

Despite my unwillingness to start dating again, people have asked me if I am either “single, or unattached,” with the ulterior motive of going out on a date with me. My friends, some who are dating, have also had people ask them the same question.
So I’ve ideated a boyfriend pre-screening form for all my single friends, with suggested questions they can ask, which hopefully might help them sort out whom to hang out with and whom to avoid.

PRE-SCREENING FORM
Name: ____________________________
Relationship status: _____________
ONLY SINGLE APPLICANTS ARE ELIGIBLE
Contact info (please enter a phone number and/or e-mail address): ________________

1. Do you weight less than me? _Yes _No

If yes, do you only finish half your plate of food when you eat? _Yes _No

If yes, do you make comments about how much I eat when I finish my entire plate of food and you don't? _Yes _No

If yes, do you secretly think I’m fat because you weight less than me? _Yes _No

2. Will you cheat on me?_Yes _No

If yes, will you act whiny when I ignore your phone calls?_Yes _No

If yes, will you confess to me that you don’t like the person you cheated on me with, only because you want to keep both of us around?_Yes _No


3. Suppose that you and I are in a relationship and you decide to move somewhere to pursuit a career of choice. How do you communicate this to me?

a) You don’t. You dump me via an e-mail and apply to ten jobs out of the state, assuming that I wouldn’t have followed you anyway.
b) You sit down for a talk, tell me what it is that you want to do, and ask me if I’m ok with accommodating myself to that. And also ask me if I’m ok with a long distance relationship.
c) You sit down with me for a talk, ask ME what it is that I want to do, and tell me if you are ok with accommodating to that.


4. Suppose we are dating and you move out of the state and dump me, but come back every holiday vacation to see your family. Do you:

a) Call me up on those specific holidays, and ask me if I want to hang out with you, despite the fact that you dumped me a year ago, and you are only calling because you are back in town and bored?
b) Casually run into me at the local hang out, and confide in me, saying that you don’t like your new girlfriend, only because you want to keep us both around?
c) If you do this? WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO THIS?! DO YOU THINK IT’S OK TO COME AROUND ONCE A YEAR AND TRY TO HOOK UP WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!

3. Suppose you and I are in a relationship and we have a discussion about philosophy, politics or religion, in which it is clear that we disagree. How do you react to the fact that I disagree with you?

a)Assume that it means that we are 100% incompatible, and that we don’t have a future together because I have my opinion, and you have yours. Begin planning how to dump me, most probably, via an e-mail.
b)Demand that I read books on the subject you defend, and bring it up as often as possible until I agree that you are 100% right.
c)Accept that we will disagree on some things and take the fact that I am arguing with you to mean, simply, that I am stating my opinion, and that my opinion is different than yours.

4. Suppose that I am in a relationship with you and we have a discussion, this time in a public place, such as a park, where I end up crying. How do you react to the fact that I am acting emotional?

a) React by telling me that I have ruined your day, walk towards your car, get inside of it without waiting for me, and drive away.
1. If yes to a) WHY DO YOU DO THIS? WHY DO YOU HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM AND THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST LEAVE ME IN A PARK AND DRIVE AWAY, HUH? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
b) Give me books about “Women and PMS Symptoms, and the Men that Love Them,” hug me, and let me act emotional for five minutes, for God’s sake.
c) Accept that I am different than you, and that my ways of handling emotions are very different than yours.

5.Suppose that I have dated you for a few weeks and I am at your apartment, do you:

a)Only let me in as far as the living room, because the rest of the house is a mess and you are a slob who does not clean up?
b)Lead me directly to the bedroom because you want to show me your collection of star wars life saviors.
c)Lead me directly to your basement, because your mom and dad are trying to sleep in the room upstairs, and they don’t know their son has a girl over.

6.Do you have pictures of you, playing with your star wars life saviors, on your facebook? _Yes _No

7.Suppose I meet you at a venue and you are eighteen years old, but I don’t know this. Do you:
a)Try to have sex with me regardless the fact that I’m seven years older than you?
b)Try to hit on all my friends, also seven years older than you, once I reject you for your age.
If yes to either a) or b) WHY ARE YOU EVEN AT A VENUE IF YOU ARE EIGHTEEN. You ARE MAKING ME FEEL OLD, JUST STOP IT AND LEAVE!


8.Do you ever wRiTe oR tExT lIkE tHiS, spell definitely as 'definately,' or use apostrophes inappropriately? __ Yes __ No

9.Do you listen to Classic Rock? _Yes _No

2 comments:

barking reed said...

Did you call it "Nude as the News" because by posting this, you expose yourself to the world?

If so, I have three things to say:

One: Congratulations! Baring your life-pain is an amazing step towards healing that most people don't have the courage to take.

Two: Wow. Bummer. It would seem that you have known some poop-heads in your life. I recommend avoiding brown-eyed people from now on - they may be poop-heads.

Three: Take a deep breath. Smile. Come to Austin's house tonight and scoop corn/bean cilantro stuff with chips as we talk about whatever, and perhaps nothing. Men suck, but we are not men - we are UberMen, and we have come to cheer you up! (Well, sort of. If sarcasm and ludicrously overstated opinions are a laughrodisiac).

Reed said...

I don't know what Canada is talking about. I'm not here to cheer you up. Also, I have (A) for every single answer. Except for the true or false ones...those are all true. Is that a good thing?